"Relationship Advice for Having a Better Relationship"
By Susie and Otto Collins, Relationship Coaches
Because we are Relationship Coaches, we are often asked for
help when
relationships turn bad. Our
relationship advice
usually begins with asking the people involved to look at what
they what they each want from the relationship. In order to have
a
great relationship, you have to be open to making some changes
in yourself and not just demanding that the other person change. Connie
and Scott have been
married for two and a half years and
although they've had many good times together, they've fallen into
a familiar relationship trap without even knowing it.
Here's the problem:
Scott wouldn't always follow through when he said he would. He
didn't always do
what he said he would do. In other words, he
wasn't trustable although he didn't go out on her.
In the past, Sally would get very upset with him, have
jealousy issues of other people's relationships and tell him
what he was doing wrong. When she would do this, he would
become defensive and say "Well I'm always wrong and I
just won't say anything
anymore" and clam up.
Because they had a great connection at times, Sally didn't
want to give up on the relationship but she also didn't feel
respected when Robert behaved irresponsibly. She was so
frustrated with this situation that she was ready to call it quits
Before ending their marriage, she decided to try a different
approach in telling him how she was feeling and she hoped
that it would make a difference.
Here's what she did...
Before she talked with him, she centered herself, got
herself into a calm place and rehearsed how she wanted
to tell him about how his behavior made her feel.
When she talked with him, instead of "beating him up" for not
coming through once again, she asked for what she wanted
in a positive way.
She said, "I would like for you to do what you say you're
going to do" and then gave him some examples.
This time he listened, thought about her request and agreed
to make the changes that she asked.
Although she doesn't know if he truly can and will make the
changes she wanted, she felt empowered and knows that
even if he can't follow through and she chooses to leave the
marriage, she was able to say what was true for her in
a way that he could hear and understand in that moment.
What many people often do in relationships is focus on the
negative behavior of others instead of focusing on the result
or the outcome that they want.
What we've found is that if you continue to stay focused on
what you don't want in your relationships and your life, that's
what you'll get more of-- what you don't want.
What Connie did was great. She made the shift from telling
Scott what she didn't want to what she did want.
So, how can you use this idea to make some
improvements in the quality of your relationships?
Here are a few simple shifts you can make using this idea
that we think can make big differences in the quality of your
1) Take some time to be very clear about what you are feeling
and what you want. Get into a clear, calm space and listen to
what's inside you.
2) After you know what you want, choose a time to talk with
the other person when they are most likely to be able to hear
you without distractions.
3) You might start the conversation something like this--
"Remember when we were first together and we always made
time just for us? That's what I'd like for us to do again."
4) Ask very plainly for what you want. If you don't ask for what
you want, chances are you'll never get it!
To continue the example above--"I would like for us to have a
'date' for just the two of us once a week, even if it's taking a
walk together."
Focusing on what you want instead of what you don't want is
an abundance principle that's been taught for thousands of years.
We suggest that you take this
free relationship advice and try it.
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